its occupant for a story they were planning on ABSOLUTELY UNNATURAL LIFESTYLES. The reporters could jam their tape recorders in through the gaps that used to be doorways, but couldn’t get their bodies in, no way. And this pissed them off, because it was way too hot outside and they were all wearing three-piece suits and they thought they were going to get sunstroke or heat exhaustion. But they did manage to get an interview and this is what it was: Q: (Screamed in from outdoors) IT’S HOLY-FUCKING HOT OUT HERE! DO YOU THINK THERE IS A WAY IN? A: no, i don’t think there is. Q: (Screamed) WELL, DO YOU HAVE A HOSE OUT HERE WE COULD SPRAY OUR THREE-PIECE SUITS DOWN WITH? A: there may be; i don't know. Q: OH, THAT’S GREAT, BUDDY! THAT’S JUST FINE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO, HUH? WE RE ALL OUT HERE DYING FROM THE HEAT. A: i don't know. Q: HOW ABOUT SOME LEMONADE OR SOMETHING OUT HERE, HUH? A: there may be. i don't know what’s out there. Q: YOU’RE A LITTLE SONOFABITCH, YOU KNOW THAT? A: uh . . . Q: WELL, YOU ARE AND YOU CAN JUST FUCKING CRAM THIS STORY RIGHT UP YOUR TEENY LITTLE ASS. A: ok. Q: SO THERE, YOU LITTLE CREEP. The tiny person felt okay about all that because, despite the fact that there was a chance for some minor glimmer of fame in being in US Magazine, he didn’t really think it was going to change the way he really thought anyway. This story might be a little under two minutes, but if it is, it’s because you forgot to change your voice when you read the different parts. Read it again. And if it's still under two minutes, act it out. Amelia Dorth is a writer living in Portland. fancy's THE BEST JUST GOT BETTER Look for J\/(incy'S on your Grocers Shelf ^prlnijilcld tycamy J nr Artist Dennis Cunningham Ipves to fish Oaks Bottom in SE Portland. ANNE HUGHES GUEST HOUSE 2482 N.W. MA R S H A L L ST . PO R T LAN D , OREGON 972 10 (503) 227-4440 Zenith Supplies 6319 Roosevelt Way NE, Seattle, Wa. 98115 (206) 525 - 7997 KWIX IV \ST1 H PATIENT SERVICES PREVENTIVE NATURAL THERAPIES XATt HOPAII IK MlilHttlNK Physical Examinations Wellness Evaluation and Preventive Care Family Practice Prenatal Care Natural Childbirth at Home Pediatric Services Geriatric Services Self-Care Education Nutritional Counseling Computerized Diet Analysis Cleansing Weight Loss Food Habit Management Disease Risk Factor Analysis Hair Analysis Aerobic Fitness Evaluation Sports Medicine ! Nutrition , Exercise > Botanical Medicine Homeopathic Medicine Stress Management Lifestyle Counseling Psychological Counseling Hypnosis Acutherapy PHYSICAL Colon Therapy THERAPIES Spinal Manipulation Diathermy Ultrasound Gravity Guidance Water Therapies Electrotherapies Naturopathic physicians—treating the whole person, acting with faith in nature, helping you make informed choices about your health. THE JBCNM CLINIC 1408 NE 45TH SEATTLE 632-0354 20% off on a Physical Exam with this coupon 22 Clinton St. Quarterly
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