its occupant for a story they were planning on ABSOLUTELY UNNATURAL LIFESTYLES. The reporters could jam their tape recorders in through the gaps that used to be doorways, but couldn’t get their bodies in, no way. And this pissed them off, because it was way too hot outside and they were all wearing three-piece suits and they thought they were going to get sunstroke or heat exhaustion. But they did manage to get an interview and this is what it was: Q: (Screamed in from outdoors) IT'S HOLY-FUCKING HOT OUT HERE! DO YOU THINK THERE IS A WAY IN? A: no, i don’t think there is. Q: (Screamed) WELL, DO YOU HAVE A HOSE OUT HERE WE COULD SPRAY OUR THREE-PIECE SUITS DOWN WITH? A: there may be; i don’t know. Q: OH, THAT’S GREAT, BUDDY! THAT’S JUST FINE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO, HUH? WE RE ALL OUT HERE DYING FROM THE HEAT. A: i don’t know. Q: HOW ABOUT SOME LEMONADE OR SOMETHING OUT HERE, HUH? A: there may be. i don’t know what’s out there. Q: YOU’RE A LITTLE SONOFABITCH, YOU KNOW THAT? A: uh . . . Q: WELL, YOU ARE AND YOU CAN JUST FUCKING CRAM THIS STORY RIGHT UP YOUR TEENY LITTLE ASS. A: ok. Q: SO THERE, YOU LITTLE CREEP. The tiny person felt okay about all that because, despite the fact that there was a chance for some minor glimmer of fame in being in US Magazine, he didn’t really think it was going to change the way he really thought anyway. This story might be a little under two minutes, but if it is, it’s because you forgot to change your voice when you read the different parts. Read it again. And if it’s still under two minutes, act it gut, Amelia Dorth is a writer living in Portland. Artist Dennis Cunningham loves to fish Oaks Bottom in SE Portland. 1 । 3^2O3^4SEBe 3244 SE Belmont Buttertoes Unique dining amidst Victorian Charm Aon- serving Breakfast Monday- Sunday Hours: M-F 7:30AM-9:00PM Sat 9:00AM-9:00PM Sun 10:00AM-2:00PM “H7iere everything is fust a little bit different. ” 239-9205 ■D/NNEiC TUES .TURD SUN- 5 3 0 Express kinds of pencils, pens, brushes, and markers are included in our large selection of materials for the fine and graphic arts, all available to help you express yourself. ART MEDIA 820 S.W. 10th Avenue, Portland, Oregon 97205. (503) 223-3724 COURIHOUS[ • SEV EN DAY S A WEEK • SING LE CLASSES WELCO ME • Fcttuccini w/tomatoes, oHvesfrwalnuts c Omnae Glazed Pork Loin 625 "5-75 Blade Hear Tostada Falad 4.75 । Steamed Mussels w/fettucc/ni,cream tarragon 6.50 Supreme-chicken breast w/hw, mushrooms rieshna wine 65° Fresh Poached Salmon w/sherry, A ginger, lemon $ m in t vj 2524 56 CLI/WNCOMPLETE BODY CONDITIONING L I STRENGTH BUILDING AEROBICS, & STRETCHING BASED ON CORRECT POSTURE DURING MOVEMENT 34 CLASSES EVERY WEEK 3 LEVELS TO CHOOSE FROM YOUR FIRST CLASS IS FREE CALL 228-2295 FOR SCHEDULE & PRICES the fitness place 133 SW 2nd & Pine J SHO WERS • TO WELS • UV A SUNTANNING • CO -ED _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ SHO WERS • TO WELS ♦ Q UALITY SO UND SY STEM_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ WE’RE ; CELEBRATING □J m I our newly remodeled f | SUNTANNING FACILITY | § AND OUR PRICES SHOW IT | 7 20 VISITS FOR $ 5911! . £ g PURCHASE BETWEEN SEPT. 17-OCT 31 < OTHER SPECIALS AVAILABLE 1 s the fitness place 4 - CALL 228-2295 133 SW 2nd & • F REE P ARK ING AF TER 5 P M SP ACIO US RO O MS. • 18 Clinton St. Quarterly
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