Baseball Losers’ Hall of Fame By Lenny 1). There is an old baseball axiom that the team in first place on July 4 will go on to win the pennant. Consequently, the press about this time of year is full of blather over the pennant chase, or how the umpteenth Reggie-and-Billy feud will affect the Yanks’ chance for another remarkable comeback. For variation, they will question whether Dave Kingman’s prodigious home run bat can survive the dog day Chicago afternoons that have fried the brains of many a Cub outfielder. But there is one race that we forget about each year—a race every bit as agonizing as a Red Sox-Yankee stretch drive. Its heroes are as memorable as Bucky Dent or Bernie Carbo. Yes, it’s the Halt of Fame of Ignominity. What modern-day fan can forget the Amazin’ Mets of Choo Choo Coleman and Marvelous Marv Throneberry, who led the New Yorkers to the lowest won-lost percentage in decades (.250), or fail to acknowledge the mastery of Joe Gar- giola's ’52 Pirates, who won but 42 contests and finished 22'/z games behind their nearest opponent. This year’s Oakland A’s and Toronto Blue Jays are moving at a pace that might just be as notorious as some of yesterday’s stalwarts. Charley Finley’s A’s are staggering at a clip that will leave them shy of 50 victories for the season, a mark most first-year expansion teams are able to achieve. Oakland’s descent into oblivion from the champagne days of the mid- '70s can only be rivaled by their namesakes, the Philadelphia A’s, who, after winning 99 games and the pennant in 1914, dropped to a 43-111 mark—the most drastic decline ever experienced by a major-league team. The '14 A’s were run by Connie Mack, a crusty, shrewd gentleman who, like Charlie Finley, was unwilling to assent to the salary demands of his lop players and wound up losing his mainstays to other teams. Mack defended the American League Championship with the likes of Weldon Wyckoff, Wickey McAvoy, Squiz Pillon, and Tink Tuner, while utilizing a record 56 players in a vain attempt to field a winning nine. The raw rooks, third stringers and recent high school graduates Charlie O has brought together might rival these A’s of yesteryear, who went on from that glorious 1914 season to occupy the American League cellar for seven straight years and 24 times overall before giving Kansas City and Oakland the unfortunate distinction of hosting this illustrious franchise. According to vaudeville legends, our nation’s capital has always been first in war, first in peace and last in the American League. And while the A’s hold the league record, the Senators’ 14 cellar-dwelling finishes did represent some of the most dubious achievers in baseball history. The 1904 team was easily the worst, completing the campaign with a 38-113 record and a team batting average of .227. Star hurlers Jack Townsend and Beany Jacobson combined for a sterling 10-50 mark. Toronto Blue Jays’ aces Underwood, Jefferson and Lomngello have fireballed their way to a 4-26 record so far this season, within reach of the deadly Senator combo. However, no Blue Jay outfielder can match Senator outfielder Frank Huelsman, who set a record still on the books 75 years later when he was traded five times during the 1904 season. He went packing from Chicago to Detroit, back to Chicago and on to St. Louis before being railroaded to Washington. As Toronto and Oakland head down the home stretch of baseball ignominity, they will have to fall hard and fast to top the all-time kings of losers, the Cleveland Spiders of 1899, who established the worst won- lost log ever (20-132). They surrendered more than twice as many runs as they scored (1259-529) and finished an almost unbelievable 84 games behind the league’s leading Brooklyn Robins. The dispirited Spiders were such an embarrassment to the National League that they weren’t invited back for the 1900 season, even though the humiliated franchise had been in the league since 1889. Who knows—if the Toronto and Oakland franchises really work at it, maybe they, too, can join the 1899 Spiders, 1915 A’s, 1904 Senators, 1952 Pirates, and the 1962 Mets in the great losers' bullpen in the sky. Are There Any Free Agent Witch Doctors? In Nairobi, Kenya, one team spent $3,000 on witch doctors last year. Sports leaders there have tried to discourage witchcraft as well as the practice of players painting their bodies with pig fat to ward off evil spirits. Athletic teams in our country, of course, are much too sophisticated to travel with witch doctors and wear pig fat. Our teams travel with clergymen and wear medals. In Africa, when a team loses, they get rid of the witch doctor. Over here when they lose, the clergyman stays and they get rid of the players. I like their way better. —Jim Boutin Q’s & A ’s QA. Q. What's the true story about that guy at Trojan who sleeps on the job and listens to basketball games? H. Glick, Portland, Ore. Is it true that President Nixon once planned to bomb North Vietnam with diamonds? R. Pryor, L.A., Calif. Yes! In an effort to win the hearts and minds of the Vietnamese people, the Committee to Reelect the President (CREEP) assembled thousands of "Democracy Kits” which were to be dropped over North Vietnam. The kits consisted of diamond stick pins and handsome pen and pencil sets decorated with the presidential seal and the signature of R Nixon. Honest. Q. What is the third planet from the sun? J. Bosley, Portland, Ore. S. According to Dr. Francis Kirkland of Yale's famed Academy of Skies and Heavens, the third planet from the sun is Earth, so named because Earthlings are found there, Q. How many millionaires are in the U.S. Senate? Mrs. Goldschmidt, Portland, Ore. A, There are 20. Among the richest: John Heinz (R-Pa) the Ketchup man, $40 million; Deconcini (D-Az), land, $10 million; Percy (R-Ill), lots of stuff, $20 million; Kennedy (D-Mass), dad’s death, $5 million; Goldwater (R-Az), bonds, $2 million; John Danforth (R-Mo), Purina dog food, $17 million. John Warner of Virginia is certainly worth millions, but he doesn’t list his wife Elizabeth Taylor as an asset. Q. What is the secret gas plan that the oil companies are trying to keep hush, hush? L.S., Portland. Ore. A. The document you refer to is an “eyes-only" paper for oil industry executives, entitled “The 60- Minute Plan." It apparently refers to the length of lime it will take for the gas crisis to end once prices hit $1.50 per gallon. Q. Why did John Wayne become a Catholic on his deathbed? D. Berrigan, Romack, Pa. A. Because Baba Ram Dass doesn’t make housecalls. Besides, only Catholics go to heaven. Q. How come St. Patrick’s Day is a legal holiday in Boston but not a holiday anywhere else? L.S., . Chicago, III, A. In their never-ending efforts to dodge work, the enterprising Irish discovered that March 17 was also the day that the British troops withdrew from Boston, so in a non-ethnic political move, the politicians declared the day to be celebrated as Evacuation Day. The Irish may be lazy, but they are not entirely shiftless. Q. What was that recent quote about Ted Kennedy ’s ass? E. V., White Salmon. A. President Carter was quoted as saying that if Ted Kennedy doesn’t run for President, “ I’ll kiss his ass.” A. While the full story may never be reported, a source close to the scene quoted the man as saying, ‘‘Whatdayamean? There’ll be plenty of accidents, but this game could be the whole season.” Q. Who invented television? W'as it RCA or CBS? P. Marshall, Hollywood, Calif. A. Neither. To our discovery, the true inventor of TV was Phyllo T. Farnsworth, a high school student from Montana. He killed himself after a lengthy effort to get RCA to pay him royalties. 38
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