Clinton St. Quarterly, Vol. 3 No. 4 | Winter 1981 (Portland)

NANCY REAGAN’S Holiday Recipes for the x Truly Needy Well, my dear poor friends, the Holidays are upon us again and I can almost hear the jingle-jangle of little reindeer hoofs on the South Portico. A happy time for friends and family alike! Hot Christmas drinks (not too many now!) and delightful little wrapped boxes filled with necklaces and tiny diamond earrings — the little things that one remembers when the “big presents” are long forgotten! This year’s Christmas Holidays will also be "belt tightening" time. Not just for you but for everyone, whether we live in a “White House” with a big ranch in California, or in a little bungalow with just a summer beach cabin. And there's no better time to tighten the belt than over the Christmas Holidays! Here are a few of “my" Holiday hints. NANCY REAGAN’S MOCK TURKEY (Serves 8) 1 pound ground round 3 pounds Hamburger Helper 8 pounds crushed cardboard 4 chicken bouillon cubes Salt Elmer’s Glue Industrial shellac Mix ingredients together with a large garden trowel or wooden spoon and mold into the shape of a juicy 12 pound tom turkey. Add more crushed cardboard if necessary. Grease a large baking dish and (continued on page A65X Section D) ASTORIA WOMAN RECOVERS FROM COMA An Astoria woman who had been in a coma for over 3 years suddenly regained consciousness Thursday when she was shown a videotape of herself on the Phil Donahue show. A week before, Donahue had sent a documentary crew to tape the woman and her family for a show about terminal coma victims. According to doctors, when the sequence featuring Victoria Snar- bot, 33, came on the air, the woman sat up abruptly, put on her glasses, and exclaimed, “Well, it’s about time!” The woman’s husband, Victor, said that Mrs. Snarbot had done nothing but watch television from morning until night for about seven months prior to lapsing into the coma. Reportedly, Mrs. Snarbot had become depressed about never seeing herself on any of the shows she watched and had begun to suspect that she might be dead. Do You Need Extra Protection? If you’re like most people, you have a healthy attitude toward sex and consider it a unique, guilt-free, sharing experience. And yet, the nagging thought that prowlers may have been hiding in the broom closet all day waiting for your moment of intimacy can turn coitus into a paranoid nightmare. Fibre optics can go around corners. Tiny television cameras may be hidden in the nightlight. Now you can put an end to those worries with the Future is Now SEX PRIVACY TENT. Erectable in under twenty minutes, the SEX PRIVACY TENT needn't interrupt foreplay. Many couples integrate the installation of the tent unto their love making, providing a degree of intimacy never before attained. Each tent comes equipped with high impact aluminum poles, nylon cover, and our unique Priva-cide foam or jelly for sealing the tent to the floor. SEX PRIVACY TENT The modern way to be sure. WAKE UP, WISE U P .^ 7 / j SNOWMEN STEALING YOUR CHILDREN’S PLAYTHINGS? The kids’ iceskates, cousin Earl’s toboggan — they mean a lot when the snowflakes fall, but too often they’re left out when darkness comes, and by morning — well, you know the story. Tears and another trip to the sporting goods store. Lord knows, no one wants to chain up the snowman, and yet the facts cannot be denied — cold and lonely, driven by a pack instinct comparable only to that of wolves, they congregate in theft platoons, sometimes ravaging entire neighborhoods. Cannibalism. Drug Abuse. The stories go on and on. No, no one wants to chain up the snowman, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry? SNOW MANACLES It’s a damn shame. Available at better hardware stores everywhere. A division of Future is Now Enterprises, Silver Springs, MD FUTURE IS NOW SEMINARS A Division of Future is Now Enterprises. How many times have you “fallen in love” only to see your perfect partner transformed, sometimes within weeks, into a person nearly as dull as yourself? How many times have you plunked down hard cash for a “new car,” only to awaken from your dream six years later before a dirty, beat-up wreck actually several years old? And how many times have you been invited to an event identified as a “party,” only to find yourself the next morning not in the company of jolly revellers, but in the bed of a total stranger, with nary a noisemaker nor a little cup full of jellybeans to be seen? Sure, you can call it bad luck if you want. You can call it life. But the fact is, you’ve been tricked! Yes, tricked and perhaps even hypnotized, by persons you thought you could trust — some of them devils, many of them from outer space! Why sit by passively, waiting for the next total stranger to pass himself off as a friend when you can do as millions of others have done? Join FUTURE IS NOW SEMINARS. At FUTURE IS NOW SEMINARS, we’ll take your glasses and break them to pieces, force you to make sexual advances toward unpleasant looking strangers, maybe even slice your clothing into tiny bits with a large stolen bandsaw! We’ll arrange your personality so you don’t know which end is up... the first step down the road to a new you! You’ll be lead through our rigorous 7 Day Make-Over that will transform you from the pathetic, grasping, financially insecure laughing stock you are now into the kind of powerful, effective person you ought to be! You’ll attend our RATIONALIZATION WORKSHOP Why go through the rest of your life punishing yourself for the things you’ve never done when you can whisk those cares away by learning to deny that you ever wanted to do them in the first place! You’ll learn MANIPULATIVE JARGON! That’s right! When Betty or Sal says “Get out of the jewelry, Boyd, you know that stuff is mine ...” you’ll simply tell them to stop playing those old tapes and get in touch with their feelings. That’s right! Learn to roll your neck in an intimidating fashion and say “You’ve never been real with me.” Sound like what you’ve been looking for? Act now. .^I T Yes, I can see what you’re saying. Enroll me in the next FUTURE IS NOW SEMINAR to take place in a little gray room in the basement of an unnamed shopping center. Enclosed is the title to my car. NAME ____ ADDRESS CITY STATE . ZIP___ MARRIED _ SINGLE CHILDREN ____________ APPROXIMATE ANNUAL INCOME Future is Now Enterprises, Silver Springs, MD FUTURE IS NOW SEMINARS Clinton St. Quarterly 25

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