CLINTON ST. QUARTERLY SICK OF BEING MADETHE FOOL? Duane "Hawkeye" LaRue President, Future is NowEnterprises NOWYOUCANCHANGEALL THAT WITHOURNEW MORALFIBREKIT FROMFUTURE ISNOW. THEBAHAMAS Afew m o n th s ago , in th i s sp ace , I to ld you abou t a r em a rk a b le o p p o r tu n i ty , y o u r s fo r th e a sk in g , to e a rn b ig m o n ey in y o u r sp a r e t im e g row in g m o ld c u l tu r e s in y o u r own hom e . The re s p o n s e to th a t o ffer w a s so e n c o u ra g in g th a t I ’d l ik e to te l l y o u a b o u t a n o th e r o p p o r tu n i ty , one th a t w i l l m ak e y o u r s i l ly m o ld b u s in e s s seem l ik e c h i ld ’s p l a y o r w o rse . Now , I know som e of you h a v e n ’t y e t re c e iv e d y o u r Mold S t a r t e r K its . In fac t, w e ’ve ev en re c e iv e d a few in q u i r i e s , som e from p r e s t ig io u s g o v e rnm e n t a g en c ie s , a s k in g u s th in g s l ike , “W hat g iv e s ? W hat th e h e c k ’s u p ? ” Let m e a s s u r e you t h a t I am n o t a “c ro o k ” o r ev en a “c r im in a l ” as som e se l f -s ty le d in te l le c tu a l s h a v e c h o sen to p u t it. We h a v e s im p ly been so sw am p ed t h a t we h a v e n ’t been ab le to fill a l l y o u r o rd e r s as q u ic k ly a s we m ig h t like . O u r new o ffices in th e B a h am a s h a v e r e q u i r e d p a in t in g , c o n s id e ra b le s p a c k l in g and fum ig a t io n . The ch rom e fu r n i tu r e cam e la te . My R o l lod ex w a s s to len in t r a n s i t . Now we m ay ev en be r e t u r n i n g to th e U n ited S ta te s ! B u t th e s e a re no t y o u r p ro b lem s , t h e y ’re m ine . Su ffice to s a y th a t y o u r o rd e r i s on i t s w a y and sh o u ld a r r iv e w i th in th e n e x t few day s . E s p e c ia l ly if you ac t on th i s o ffe r now! I TRUSTYOU DUANE. TO HECKWITH THOSEHAY SAYERS. WHAT HAVEYOUGOT? T h a t ’s th e s p i r i t . Now le ts ge t down to b u s in e s s and face the fac ts . A m e r ic a n in f lu e n c e i s on th e w ane . R u s s i a n bom b e rs now fly r e g u l a r ly o v e r m a jo r A m e r ic a n c i t ie s , sp y in g in b a th ro om w in d ow s w i th Am e r ic an -m ad e te le s co p e s , z e ro in g in on o u r c h i ld r e n ’s c r ib s w i th h ig h ly s o p h is t ic a te d r a d a r t h a t c an p ic k up th e so u n d of a c h i ld ’s l i t t le p in k r a t t l e from 20,000 feet. And t h a t ’s j u s t th e b e g in n in g . Look a ro u n d y o u r own hom e . W hat do you see? Y ou r fam i ly , g a th e re d a ro u n d the rad io l i s te n in g to G a b r ie l H ea te r , e x c i te d ly p u l l in g S t r a ig h t A rrow In g e n u i ty C a rd s ou t of boxe s of Sh redd ed W hea t? G u e ss ag a in , Buddy. A nd w h e r e ’s th e l i t t le w om a n ? Off som ew h e re “l e a r n in g ab o u t h e r s e l f ” p e rh a p s ? A nd w h a t ab o u t y o u ? When w a s th e l a s t t im e you c am e hom e to th e a p p la u s e and faw n in g a d u la t io n y o u know you d e se rv e ? L i t t le S a l ly and E d g a r le a p in g on to y o u r c h e s t from th i r t y p a c e s . . . D o lo res g ra b b in g a t y o u r c o l la r and t e a r f u l ly k i s s in g y o u r ch eek s , w h in in g ab o u t th e c h i ld re n s p i l l in g the B isq u ic k and how a b so lu te ly s tu p id and w o r th le s s she fee ls u n t i l you come hom e in th e e v e n in g ? When w a s th e l a s t t im e you w e re ab le to p u t y o u r foo t down and s a y “N o” w i th o u t som eone in y o u r ow n f a m i l y s a y in g “W hy?” I M STARTINGTO GETTHEPICTURE. DUANE. WHATSHOULD IDO? OK. H e re ’s th e scoop . O u r new g o v e rnm e n t w o n ’t be ab le to m ak e the w o r ld th e k in d of p la c e we w a n t i t to be fo r w eek s , m ay b e even m o n th s . In the m e a n t im e , you cou ld lo se a l l of y o u r m u sc le tone , becom e e n t i r e ly e ffem in a te and in e ffec t iv e , u n a b le to p a r t i c ip a te in a s im p le go lf g am e w i th o u t t u r n in g i t in to a goddam e n c o u n te r g roup . You need gun s . A jeep . M i l i ta ry u n i fo rm s to w e a r a ro u n d the house! SOUNDSGREAT! HOWDO I GET EM. DUANE? Th a t ’s w h e re o u r MORAL FIBRE KIT com e s in. I ’l l be f ran k . We c a n ’t su p p ly th e g u n s o r th e jeep . Bu t we can h e lp you w i th th o s e m i l i t a r y u n ifo rm s . O u r MORAL FIBRE KIT p ro v id e s you w i th e v e r y th in g y ou need to — SEW SMART LOOKING BATTLE INTHEPRIVACYOF YOUROWNDEN ORRUMPUSROOM! ***04**44*4*0 T h a t ’s r ig h t! E a c h k i t c o n ta in s o v e r 20 p a t t e r n s y o u c an w ham bam to g e th e r y o u rse lf . If y o u c an c ram a l iv e h e r r i n g on a s tu rg e o n h oo k y o u ’ve go t e v e r y th in g i t ta k e s to c u t and hem th e s e l i t t le m o th e r s in to a new you . A new you th a t e v e r y o n e w i l l re s p e c t ( in c lu d in g th a t dam n G len n e x t door)! WHATABOUTTHE BOOTS? WHATABOUTTHE BOOTS? C a n ’t do a n y th in g abou t th e boo ts. Go to a s u r p lu s s to re o r som e th in g , I d o n ’t know . YEAH. BUTYOUKINDOF SAID. . . I know w h a t I sa id . I d o n ’t need a h um a n ta p e r e c o rd e r fo l low in g me a round . S i t down and sew, you l i t t le c reep . E i th e r t h a t o r go w h in e to y o u r m am a . I don’t have to whine to anybody. Send me your remarkable new MORAL FIBRE KIT so I can show everybody what the deal is. I'm tired of all this crap. I’ve had it up to here. NAME______ 1 ADDRESS SHIRT S I Z E PANTS S IZE___ Enclosed is a check or money order for $412.13. Send your check and this form to FUTURE IS NOW ENTERPRISES, The Bahamas After the middle of January, send to FUTURE IS NOW ENTERPRISES, Suite 315, Washington, DC. Not associated with Wan-Del Manufacturing, Tucson, Arizona ACTNOW and receive ABSOLUTELY FREE this extraordinary w WAR SURPLUS THIMBLE M M Just like they used at Guadalcanal! 4 Ad by Jim Blashfield
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