I used to think like that bank clerk asks for i.d., my teeth bristlebeams quake I say “ you’re assuming I’m not me you want me to prove I’m really me you otherwise think I’m guilty of impersonation embezzlement or passing bad checks-listen when I say ‘I don’t believe this’ the “ I” of whom I speak is me!” I skid my plastic identity across the tombsober marble I renew my vows, continue “ Surely you’ve at least given LipService TO FREEDOMin your lifestyle ads for IRAs?” and the clerk smiles, says “ thank you sir” slides license back, hands me my cash Banks on my legitimacy BLUDGEONS me with her unholy oversized floppy bow “ have a nice day” she says; I growl and pocket my phony i.d. I sit down to special edition t.v. dinner potatoes reconstituted/Molded into bust of Judge Crater they taste like mulch I glimpse a running something along floorboard it darts behind a bookshelf I think it ’s a mouse, a soft and frightened wide-eyed hobo mouse without social security number or credit card (or phony i.d.) or lame defense for a favorite pop singer and I must kill him I’ll set traps tonight; I’m still hungry as Judge Crater vanishes supermarket cashier rings up on-sale can of tomato paste at the regular price I say “ excuse me but that’s on sale” she says “ Oh I’m sorry” flips through a circular doesn’t see it says “ it musta been last week” I say “ I don’t get the paper there’s a sign on the shelf” and she says “ it doesn’t matter if it ’s not in the paper” I say, vowels launching quills, “ go and look there’s a sign on the shelf that says 39 cents” “ I’m sorry sir other people are waiting if you don’t want the tomato paste I can subtract it from your total” I notice that two carts behind me a woman is staring accusingly “ this cheapskate is making me late for my Price is Right” and I say to the cashier “Okay (okay) charge me the regular price but Please-you should never EVER believe that what’s not in the paper doesn’t matter” and she smiles sweetly, says “ soyou’ve never gotten your name in the paper(!?)” someone back in produce shouts “ four bucks for a pork chop and you want me to taste a free sample of Tater Steaks?” !; my mind reels-UNCRATE THE RIPCORDS! it says when I spot him today he’s a creature Bounding, not scurrying and instead of just rustling wires behind console he’s grumbling, I hear curse words rodent sneers, he’s grown stronger he pushes some of the furniture out from walls so he can do his laps with fewer detours, he’s the size of a small torpedo, wears a baseball cap that says TONY he springs the traps with a very expensive technical pen he swiped from my briefcase; I add his name to the mailbox the insurance CARRIER (Ah! what GREAT word usage THAT is) tells me that my comprehensive coverage just won’t cover certain charges on a bill for sinus surgery she says “ some of the charges are for medically unnecessary procedures and therefore (on the basis of our intimidating inorganic abstract and cathedral-like gut) not covered” I say “ so you’re telling me that my policy is only ‘comprehensive’ in a noncomprehensive-kind-of-way” and she answers “ Absolutely” and I say “ so while I was knocked out, with Xacto blade in eyeball I should’ve yanked myself up through anesthesia produced my medical credentials and said to the specialists licking my blood off of THEIR fingertips ‘excuse me but the nasal passage-to-passage carpeting you’re installing is Medically-Unnecessary!’? and the carrier laughs with afriendly smiling slamdunking laugh a laugh that says ‘you’re-defeated-you’re-gonnapayyou’ve-been-shtupped-you’re-a-foil-you’ve-beentrappedyou’ve-been-had-you’re-a-nitwit-anda valued customer' the mouse is slurping so noisily tonight that I walk over and look behind the couch to watch he’s the size of a rotund presto log instead of springing the trap, he’s simply holding BACK the guillotine bar with muscular paw )is That what they’re called on mice?( and he’s dribbling sputtering Cursing the Quality of the Cheese he glares at me and says “ What!? I NEED this!? YESthey’re my goddam paws;” sounding like New Jersey childhood out to haunt me I dream that I get telemarketing phonecall with electronic voice lecturing me about aluminum siding, I interrupt with “ I live in an apartment building” and the voice switches lanes, asks if I have ComPreHENSive medical insurance (?) I say “ I HATE INSURANCE AGENTS!” and the faraway synthetic rasping singsong with seminar-notches up and down its successful incisors says “well we have a limited-time-only special on burial plots” and I say “ I’M NOT DEAD YET” and the voice begins to laugh and multiply it hollers “well at least you won’t need your i.d. anymore, not even the fake one” and I wake up yelling “What does medically unnecessary Mean? It’s not like they sent out for pizza!” it’s 3 a.m. as I stumble into kitchen for ginger ale or leftover pancakes and Tony is sitting at the table drinking a beer he’s the size of sumo wrestling midget “ I couldn’t sleep” he says “Why Not?” I ask “MICEkeeping you up!” ? “ nahhh” he says “ I got butterflies 'bout startin’ that insurance job tomorrow” Graphics by Greet-O-Matic Design by Jay Miller
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