Summer 196/—photo Kajira Wyn Berry A* A m o n g th e wri te rs in m y to w n in th e ea rl y 19 60 s, I w as r ec k o n ed a t en ta ti v e su cc es s wit h fu tu re ex p ec ta ti o n s. M or e th a n 5 0 of m y s ho rt s to ries h a d b e e n p u b li sh ed in n at io n al m ag az in es . M y b es t w er e se ri ou s, p u b li sh ed in Pla yb o y a n d E sq u ir e . Oth er s I ’ d s en d a g a in a n d a g a in to le ss er a n d le ss er p u b lica ti o n s, so m e of th em n o th in g to ta k e h o m e to m o th er . At le as t I w as s el li n g , a n d le ar n in g m y c ra ft o r ar t. I e a rn e d a lm o st en o u g h to s ta y a li v e, o n a b o h emia n l ev el in P or tl an d, Ore g o n , a c it y e as y to li v e c h e a p in. I a lw ay s h a d a c ar , a n ap ar tm en t of m y o w n wit h g re en er y th ro u g h th e win do w s a n d fo o d o n th e ta b le . I co llec te d h u n d re d s of r ej ec ti o n s li ps , b u t fo r se v er al y ea rs so ld m o re th a n h al f th e stor ie s I wro te . Aft e r 8 ye a rs I w e nt t h ro u g h a d ry sp ell, w h e n n o st o ry id e a s ca m e to m e. N e ve r min d; a lo cal n e w sp a p e r’s w e e kl y m a g a zi n e w o uld p ri nt m y n o n -f ic tio n. F o r h alf a ye a r I p u blis h e d th e re alm o st e ve ry w e e k: wit ty e ss a ys , p olit ic al s atir e, p e rs o n alit ie s a n d slic e s of lo cal lif e. T h e pic tu re sh o w e d m y b e a rd e d 3 5 -y e a rold fa ce. T h e p re s i d e nt of t h e S w e et H o m e R ota ry c l u b wrote “ I n e ve r t h o u g ht I’d fi n d m ys elf a g re ein g with a b e a rd e d b e atnik like y ou, b ut yo u r la st a rt icle. . . . ” A l itt le old la d y st o p p e d m e o n th e s tr e et to tell m e h ow m u ch sh e h a d e njo ye d a re ce nt pie ce. T h e n, at a n e dit o ri al c o nfe re n c e in Ju n e 1 9 6 6, th e p u blis h e r said, “H m- m m m, S o -a n d -s o a g ain.” T h e se nio r e dito rs a n aly ze d w h at th at h a d m e a nt fo r a w e e k, th e n d e ci d e d m y a rt icle s w e re n o lo n g e r w elc o m e in th e p u blic ati o n. S o m e o n e late r su g g e st e d th at th e y w e re afr aid I w a s g ett in g to o m u ch of a re a d e rs hip. T h e e dito r I d e alt with said h e’d p u blis h m e u n d e r a p se u d o n ym fo r h alf a s m u ch m o n e y a n d th at w a s th e e n d of th at. G o d — o r fate b y w h ate ve r n a m e — h ad with d ra w n i ts fa vo rs . I s tr o d e o ut o nto m y p e rs o n al d e se rt . T ' w o m o nth s aft e r th e e dito r re ve ale d th at I w a s n ot to b e p u b lis h e d, m y b e a utif ul, m u ch -l o ve d wife of 2 1/ 2 ye a rs left m e. S h e sa w th e sh a p e of t h e futu re. T h e li fe st yl e h ad b e e n fu n fo r a fe w ye a rs , b ut n ot f o r a lif etim e. W e b oth c ri e d a lot a n d th e n sh e m o ve d b a ck to S a n F ra n ci sc o. M y h e a rt g re w sulle n a n d m y min d p e rple xe d. L o o ki n g b a ck aft e r th e d a rk n e ss h ad cl e a re d, I sa w th at sh e h elp e d kic k m e th ro u g h a bla ck -h ole i n m y p e rs o n alit y, into a re alit y m o re inte n se th a n p re vi o u s. B o rn a g ain! O h th e a go ny . Cli n to n S t. Q u a rter ly — S p ri n g, 1 9 8 8 1 9
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