Chapter 3 a) Harry, my husband, is happy by nature. His large heart. His large head. b) He pounds with inertia. I brain him. c) He loves me. I love him. d) Yet ever since I’ve known sweet Harry, no single day’s passed on which he’s been with no one. e) I had spaces so huge they grew tangible. f) Yes. Yes, I know. g) Pass the kleenex, please. Chapter 4 a) So two weeks ago Thursday, I purposely tipped over a toddler. b) I restrained but a fraction of my fervor. c) Yes, she fell, but sustained no major laceration. d) Yes, aggression, unclenched, was what powered me. e) No, the issue was stillness. The toddler forbade it. f) My desire! Impatience! g) So, I decked her, and the stillness I was craving overtook us just the instant that the toddler hit the floor. h) The toddler’s blameless. i) I feel the endtips of the spectrum. j) Call me Mommy. Chapter 5 a) See, the point is, the year I got pregnant was the year AFTER the year I craved Family. b) It was the year AFTER the year Rosie died. c) It was the year AFTER the year I was cloaked in obsession with Warren, who had one. A family, I mean. d) What a setup. The sadness, the challenge. e) Pass the hairshirt. Chapter 6 a) See, the point is, the Family sends me straight to my dungeon. b) At 4, I was dreaming of dinners with Mommy and Daddy, when Daddy bent down with a straight pin. There were candles on the table. c) Then Daddy pierced my eyeball, and my eyeball ran yellow. d) And Daddy was remorseless. THIS LILLIAN ROSE* By Leanne Grabel I here are days for the first time I lie almost hours Near Lili in bed. And her Thick mutton legs kick so madly My senses jerk wildly ( Full strength to attention. She’s got new mocha eyes that are Open, yet almondine. Soft shaggy cheeks made of Skin that is pottery. Buffed to a smooth wheaten Shine that is brownish. And NO, there’s no feeling of ownership. It’s more A matter of lack that it’s me who’s her comfort. It’s me. It’s the first time it’s happened to Me. What a compliment. Lili’s got all of her features and All of her toes. She’s got fingers and faculties. No open spots on her spine although last year She struggled for life in my dreams. I was miming it. This year I grew us a Lili. This Lili’s face melts all my past, which then Divebombs straight through me. Gets stuck in my gut. Makes me hunger. I’m stalking My innocence. Fear that I feel for her Cripples my juices. But Lili palms hope in her hands like Gold tassels that bedaub the shawl on the Wicker chair. Fuzz golden threads getting Stuck in her creases. HER CREASES! This Lili’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I could eat her for breakfast with orange juice and eggs. Wipe my mouth with her butterflesh. Begging O Mystery God: Let no tragedy, sorrow or ignorance maim life for Lili. O Lili. Lilian Rose. Chapter 7 a) While the bleakness the Family purports to adorn was familiar, the idea of Family sent my stiff arms out flailing. b) Made my elbows touch backwards. c) Pursed my lips so damn tight, all my wrinkles grew vertically. Chapter 8 a) See, the point is, I feel like a Cossack next to photos of Family, all hazied and heathered. The children dressed up in their blondes, forest greens, satin plaids. b) And the twist is my single friends think I’m so Family, they walk over buses to get to the eastside if I’m on the westside. c) Yes, the issue is luck. They don’t see my luck’s just a thin powder that breezes as wee as a whisper might blow off at whim. d) My luck’s partial, which basically cancels it out. Chapter 9 a) Yes, I know what I’ve got and I’m glad, but I pay with my nerves. b) I blame Harry. We’re mired in shake from the rustclumps. c) All the rusty I’ve met all these years have unnerved me! Chapter 10 a) That’s why I’m raging, b) Wait! Wait! I am diving in. c) Wait! I am swimming to Bali as a chieftain. It’s a job I applied for in search of that stillness. Chapter 11 a) No, my daughter is lovely. My daughter is fine. b) Go ask Harry. Writer Leanne Grabel’s last story in CSQ, “That Pale, Hollow Rush” won a first prize in the regional Sigma Delta Chi journalism competition. She Ilves in Portland. Artist Laura Ross-Paul lives in Portland, where she Is represented by Elizabeth Leach Gallery. This is her first contribution to CSQ. 10 Clinton St. Quarterly—Spring, 1988 Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat & Conference Center We offer a wide variety of stimulating personal and social transformational workshops, retreats and conferences. • Sunday thru Write our new number down in your “little black book” Office Salem message phone 3 (503) 854-3314 (503) 371-3754 Please call or write to us for a complimentary Breitenbush newsletter with our calendar of events. • Special midweek rates thru April 30 Thursday night $25.00, includes cabin, meals, unlimited hot springs & sauna • Discounts for children • Licensed massages available Breitenbush Community, P.O. Box 578, Detroit, OR 97342
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