. la tJie�- <Jl,e IUJOHU alie �-/dk,J, !Uffe41',U,llf,G,oJ�; lltewa/UH,�� /k�, G-Hd.�meoMitk�Jw;l,,udo. 1k, CWJ,. rlhetJJai B'I p�,4/kn (!>_owly one guy says, "I just want to make absolutely sure that everyone ��ere understands that no one single person can interfere in this group's process by deciding something alone without. . ." "What is that process is what I want to know," the other guy says. " This is the process ." "No, this is your process, and it sucks." "Drop dead. " "Oh, this is great. Really great," we say, ending it. I suddenly feel like I'm fal l ing. I forget momentarily where I am. There's no confusing i t . I am stricken. I have nuclear malaise. I run away to the tropics. The rooms are sun-filled, smelling of sandalwood; the warm trade winds suck the curtains, and then me, out the window high into r th o e r o a f ir. f I a l l o lin o g k , d a o n w d n w , a e k x e pe u r p ie . n T c h e e t r h o e om hor is sun-filled, smelling of sandalwood; the warm trade winds are sucking the curliberty on the suspended cloud, a figure jutting into the sky with a round rainbow, the glory effect, encircling the head, my head. I move, the giant shadow moves. If I reach up high enough, the rainbow appears to completely contain me, ready for takeoff.If I were to jump off, it would . _simply disppear.I look down, experience . - :_ ' .-_-:---- ����-i�� . _· ._·_ ·;��I,::: _ - ..::::-..- ' _ . �--�--- ,--�� . . :::_-:-_ . ,_ ;:'..": >•)<� . - ·:f3.'� : r tains out the window. I am flattened out on the bed. We drive straight up the mountain, passing rapidly from green tropical jungle up into pastureland, then up through a foggy cloud pushed by the wind up against the mountain top. We emerge into a nearly vertical, dry, rocky, iron-red desert.The road snakes back and forth up the side of the crater. On top, the sun is bright and hot, the air is crisp, still, and noticeably thinner, rarified.We breathe more deeply. I forget momentarily where I am. I look down at the clearly visible edge of the island, spread out on the blue floor like the hemline of a full skirt. We walk and run the rocky trail up to the lip of the mountain's crater.The path narrows, becoming only the top of a p p o in in g te o d ff s w p i i t n h y a rid sw ge ee h p ig t h en in t t h h o e us s a ky nd dr f o e p e t down to the azure sea less than ten miles away on one side, twenty-five hundred t f e e r e f t l n o e o a r r o ly n s t t h r e aig o h th t e d r o . wW n e to w t a h l e k b a l l a o c n k g c t r h a e narrow lip in the sky not looking down. I l s o it o e k e a n c d ro o s f s t t h h e e g cr ig a a te n r tic ins b t o e w ad l . is T a h l e so op le p s o s than ten miles away, yet it appears much t c a lo n s t e , r g t ig h a a n n t t ic h , e d s w e a a r . f T in h g e t s h e is a t s in e y em is s la d n is d . The same distance away in the opposite direction, the far lip of the crater seems f e u a s T s io i h ly n er w i e n it i h s s c i n n a 't l s e h a i o s b u r e t e in x a g c t i h t d in i o s g f t . a w n i c n e d . . T T h h e e c s o u n n is hot in the still air. Perched on a rocky k le e d n ge lip ha o n f g th in e g c i r n a t te he r b s o k w y l r , ig w h e t a n t o t t h ic e e b o ro u r shadowy reflections in the wispy cloud puffs hanging in the sky a mere stone toss in front of us, ten thousand feet up in the air. I stand straight up on a rock up n in o to on th s e un ho a r t iz m on y . b T a h c e k o c b a l s iq ts ue a la s t t e a - t a ue fte o rf the horror of falling. Suddenly I notice the beginning of a drama unfolding on the sheer wall of the crater about a mile in front of us.A tiny w er h in ite g d w o a g l , l, cl l e o a s r e ly s e i t t c s he fo d o a ti g n a g in a s n t d the sl t i o d w es d n o al w ly n r t i h g e ht f i a n c g e it o s f e t l h f e an ro d ck s s t , op tu p m in b g lin o g n , f a i slight outcropping in the wall of the giant b o o us w p l. e T rc h h e b d y o o g v i e s rh tr a a n p g p in ed g r o o n ck it s s .I p t r b e a c r a k r s i, and the sound is amplified by the silent crater. The dog seems right in front of us, very close, and I lean slightly forward out into empty space in order to draw even closer. c in a g A l t t o s h e e t c h o e e n y f d i e rs w t s , h o i i s m te b e d a o r o k g n i , n e s g e h n e u o m n w d in r t e g o d l o y , y id d a e r r a n d w t s i , one inch to the right.Another two inches to the right, a man and a woman are now calling the dog from their safe place on the narrow trail which is the same trail w in e g "H a c r r e e a r t e o e n r. , C a h m od il o e . ab C o o v m e e th . em Co in m t e he g h a e p re Chodo." Their voices carry perfectly.The frightened Chodo runs a half inch to the right, jumps up and down and then stops, trapped.He runs back a half inch to the left to his former position.He looks back t c o o w u a ra rd g s em th e e nt ot f h r e o r m wh a ite m d e o re g b in a c r h kin a g w e a n y . Both dogs sit down, looking at each other, barking. ing T . h " e Sh m o a u n ld a n n 't d h t a h v e e w b o ro m u a g n ht b s e o g m in e a th rg in u g something something. " he says. a mile away, and then they both talk at once so the words are lost down trie chasm below.The two white deg"' are still sitting looking at each other, an inch apart. barking, like animated bookends. Angry, the man shouts at the dog. "Chodo! Get over here." Chodo repeats his little run back and forth on his tiny volcanic outcropping, then looks over at the other dog and the two people, then sits down and barks. "Goddamit Chodo!" the man shrieks, s v e io e u m sl i y ng hli y s Chodo s h d to u o p mg s ' i s lia b b t a e e r h d k a i b n v g y io . w r. H ha e t i t s hi n n o k w s o h b is owner is yelling at him tor barking. He forgets momentarily where he is. He l l o in o g k , s a d n o d w in n, th e e xp r e u r s ie h n in c g es si t le h n e c h e or h r e o a r r o s f , f f a o l r the first time, the clip clop of hooves on the rocks somewhere deep below us on the crater wall. Chodo listens and then catches sight of whatever is clip clopping deafeningly up the trail further down the same trail he is on which is the same trail we are on. C ou h s o ly do an is d b e a xc rk it s e . d I . lo H o e k w do a w gs n t h o is se ta e il w fu h r a it he sees, scanning for any movement on the vast crater wall stretching below. The clip clopping, difficult now to catch between the echoing barks, speeds up to a run, slips, and stumbles.Pulling into view around a corner thousands of feet nearly straight down, a horse finds its footing and l urches upward, breathing hard. A fat man is on the horse. He is yelling at the horse, urging her on.She is rolling her eyes back at him, snorting. air is still.The sun is hot.The sun is the greatest gift. A fat man shouts a single violent word at a tiny horse way below on a cliff. Al the same time he jams his boots into the horse's heaving sides.She yanks her head around. Looking up, she sees me looking down at her from a rock high above her in the hot sun. She hears a d a o n g ce, b b a e rk g in in g s t w o il f d a l l y l. . S S h h e e fin lo d s s e h s e h r e fo r o b tin a g l and lurches forward at a dead run up the narrow ledge dug into the crater wall.The fat man spurs her in the ribs. Ahead, hundreds of feet up the trail against the crater bowl wall an inch in front of her, the horse sees a small man leaning perilously over a ledge grabbing ahold of the tiny barking white dog by the head.The dog finally stops barking. The m ing a T n h a e p ng u h l r l o i s ly r t s h a e e t r t d u h o n e g s c u c o p a w r t e e o r fu i h n l i l g m y d . u H o p g e . th is e s r h o o c u k t y trail, carrying her fat rider. She watches t in h g e t m he an do o g n u th n e de d r is o ta n n e t a c r r mate a r s w h a e ll c c l a im rr b y s and crawls across the face of the wall back to the trail which is the same trail she- and the fat man are on only a hundred yards below now. The distance shortens and then just , ��la caicAtJie�Ldtk� �lfvv;ei� wluvze J <Un. J� tJie Juwuy,, o/;l,alJi,u;, � J� l4fl' uk.n J <Un �alxudd��- She slows, pauses, exhales loudly. The fat man shouts a single violent word at the tiny horse. At the same time he jams his boots into her heaving sides. She thrashes her head up and around. i I n n g a d s o p w li n t s o e n co h n e d r, s t h h e en se a es w f h ir it s e t m do e g , l o o n ok a t d e is r ta fl n o t or r , oc lo k o , mba in r g kin u g p a a t t h h e e r r , . th S e h n e th fo e rg c e ra ts e m n o c m e e s n th ta e ril h y or w ro h r e o re f fa s l h li e ng i . s S . h S e he be e g x in p s er to i fal I l. lean forward to catch the struggling little horse and forget momentarily where I am. I experience the horror of falling, and I wake up when I am dreaming about l it e t e h p at a n g i a g i h n t , . t I h t e ha d u r n e t a s m m i e s . r Wep h e e a n te I d fa u ll p a t s o that same point and then again, another time, and then another, and another. I want it to end differently. I flail around. I wake up.The room is sun-filled, smelling of sandalwood; the w ta a in rm s o t u r t a t d h e e ww i in n d d s ow a . r " e W s h u y c d ki o n n g 't t y h o e u c ju u s rt fly when you start to fall?" says a man watching me.Relieved, I fall asleep. The at1ead. pressed against the side of the crater on t11e narrow trail as the horse approaches stand a man, a woman, and two large white dogs.They are straight below me now, very close. Everyone is tense. The man is holding on to each dog, one neck ruff clutched in each hand. The dogs are straining against the man's hold. The woman and the man press themselves against the wall to make room. The horse moves closer to the edge of the drop-off in order to pass by the dogs. She lurches, leaving the fat man momentarily suspended over empty space. The fat man looks down, experiences the horror of falling. Feeling his horror, I lean forward to catch him. He jerks his head around and up and suddenly sees me, just above him on the rockface, reaching down towards him. Our eyes lock. He catches me as I fall. • Penny Allen is a Portland filmmaker and writer whose last article in the CSQ was on Peter Watkins. Henk Pander is a Portland artist. 4 1 r ' \:�.- -,�;::=-e--<t' . Jc�,"';� �"�" ,. :-"'===i- · ; i j � ��
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