CLINTON ST. QUARTERLY ▲MY IN T H LIFb by Steve Myers The first sound I hear in the morning is the jangling of the housemother’s keys in the kitchen door. Sometimes it’s something else like the night man coughing or shuffling cards. But usually, like today, it’s the housemother coming on duty. That means the day is about to start for real. Shit. I can’t get up for about another half hour, but it’s useless to try to get back to sleep. I wish 1 wasn’t here. More than any other time of the day, now is when it’s worst for me. Even though nothing bad is happening yet. I can’t figure that out. Why should I be miserable when I can just roll over and shut my eyes if I want to and think of anything 1 want. Try to remember that dream before I forget. It’s already gone. It’s not gone. It’s about Lindy and me as usual. But that only makes me feel worse. I’ve got to get out of here. Before this place really gets to me and I lose control somehow and start screaming or swinging at anything that moves. Then I’d never get out. Forget it. Roll over and pull up the covers and pretty soon everything starts rolling and I don’t have to think at all. During the rest of the day, when things are happening, the worst I feel like is goofing off or arguing with staff or maybe getting in a fight. But now it gets almost unbearable, and I could scream or almost cry. I wonder who the night man is tonight. What is it, Thursday. That means it should be the regular night man. Yep. Not that creep who works relief. He comes on shouting and pulling off covers like some sergeant in the army or something like that. This guy’s mellower, but if he gets pissed off at you, you’ve had it. He’ll bug you all morning until he leaves, and you’re bound to go off at him and get a pile of bad comments in the grade book. 12:00 Midnight Almost got to sleep before the night man came on duty. Now it’ll be another 15 minutes or so until things quiet down again. Keys jangling in side. Pull the covers tighter, but don’t act like I’m awake. Standard B.S. between, the night man and the 4-12 man about how damn cold it is outside, car trouble. Let’s see what the 4-12 says about us. Pretty good group, with the usual couple of exceptions. Got a bit rowdy after showers but no real problems, Good. He could have said worse, but he’s right: it wasn’t as bad as it sometimes gets. Night man reading the logbook says, “ Looks like we’re getting back from D-l tomorrow. Shit. Things were almost getting under control around here.” “ Could be he’s learned his lesson this time.” “ Could be. Didn’t seem to work last time, though, did it?” “ We can always hope. If he screws up again just ship him out again. No more bullshit.” “ No more bullshit is right. Group’s been pretty good tonight. With the usual couple exceptions. No real problems, though. It’s all written down in the logbook and the gradebook.” । “ I ’ll have plenty of time to read about it. What’s our count?” “ It’s in the logbook. Thirty-one. Thirty-two, with one in D - l .” “ How they expect us to do anything with this many kids is beyond me.” “ Shit, this ain’t nothin’. You shoulda been here a few years ago when we had girls on campus. Kids sleeping on the floor, kids out of control. Lucky we didn’t have a riot, it was that bad.” “ Could be. Thirty-two still seems like too many to me. I thought the union was supposed to get us an extra staff when the count went over thirty.” “ And two when it goes over forty. Sure. I’ll believe it when I see i t .” “ Yeah. Better make my count.” You can learn a lot listening to ’ staff when they don’t know you’re listening. Night man turns up the lights a little, walks down the aisle counting out loud going past me: “ Sixteen, seventeen.. . ” Gets to the door at the end of the dorm, gives it a shake to make sure it’s locked, comes back counting the other side. Hope he remembers to turn the lights back down. Another blast of cold as the 4-12 leaves. You’d think they could use the kitchen door; it’s closer to their cars. Night man comes back to the desk, sits down without turning the lights down. Hope somebody else asks him. Shuffles his papers, gets up and turns the lights down. Now maybe I can get some sleep. 3:00 AM Another blast of cold air and noise. The security man is relieving the night man for his break. Must have slept through the first one. Why do they have to make so much noise when they come in? Night man goes to the staff flats to take a leak. I could snap my fingers and get permission to get up so I could take one myself. Except it seems I’ve got a harden. 1 could do something about that, but I’d better not get caught. You can get sent to detention just for beating off. Sexual conduct, alone or with others. I’ve never heard of it happening, though, unless it’s out in the open during the day. They caught one guy in the flats last week in another cottage and sent him out. He had pornographic pictures with him, too, which is contraband. They could have got him just for that. I guess I’d better just let it go. All I have to do is remember where I am and it usually goes away. 6:00 AM 1 hate it when he touches me. That’s what started it all that time I went off. Came that close to punching him out. It happened later, after breakfast, but that’s when it all started. I was laying here just like I am now, pretending to sleep, and he comes along and calls my name along with the others who hadn’t got up yet. I don’t move, so he grabs me by the shoulder, not hard but gentle like, and shakes it. Boy. 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