START A HOME BUSINESS OF YOUR OWN - SELL POINTLESS GEE-GAWS THROUGH THE MAIL Betty trill like me better if I drill this! SEX PROBLEMS (Continued) creates nothing but negative effects,” maintains Dr. Malone, “since the frying of any food, especially chicken, ultimately leads to an increase in cholesterol consumption.” Dr. Malone recommends baking chicken instead or, in the summertime, barbecuing with a zesty sauce. But what about those .ThouryAv you u va rySartmMt /d rew ? AT LAST! A HOME YOU CAN AFFORD. , From Its red tils root to Its matching louroroU abutters, a charming ranch-style homa that's uniquely you. So when trienda eM, “Are you buying or do you rent?" you can proudly say, "I'm buying!” IMMEDIATE DELIVERY Address Zip BORE RATS WORSHIPPERS OF TH! MOON GOD STOLE MY PUP'S STARLET No More Poison! ,lakes with Incorrect punchlines test In Hollywood, she had nO way of knowing Wan-Del Manufacturing Tucson, Arizona Tedious stories Write for our free catalogue — Please send me your free catalogue of products I can sell through the mail. I understand I will receive — at no extra cost — a ballpoint pen that doubles as a flashlight. Nam e__________ ____________ FREE BOOKLET Box 777, Mamperstown, Iowa N When Lorna LaMay sat down in that Boeing jet MAN TELLS ASTONISHED Ba like Bab. Buy taels. DREFCO Industrial Pnducts hr tha Heme City and Sill TO These things make a lot af noise, but I'm not afraid af them," ' un steel) says Bab Hatchkiss af * 1” * Riverside, California. that the man sitting so FUTURE IS NOW Baton Rouge, Wyoming Nai RRSIKWUM »ilh Waft lid MaautaciurinR. Tuvwn. Ariaona If you re like most people, chances are you'd say no. Yet when was the last time you helped the neighbors Martinize their Dodge, or nursed a stray newt back to health? Now you can rid yourself of troublesome guilt feelings by giving regularly to FIREMAN DUANE'S COWBOY SCHOOL FOR ORPHANS. Certified by the American Rawhide Association, COWBOY SCHOOL is not a crummy deal or gimmicky thing. It's taught by real cowboys, cowboys with names like Rambling Fencepost and Milk Machine Arlene, veterans of years of authentic cowboy activity. They've spent most of their lives in leather chaps, drinking red-hot java around the cook wagon and spitting brown stuff out of their mouths. They've driven cattle thousands of miles over dusty desert, spoken the word Yah- hoo so many times it has become as easy as breathing. They know how to do these things! Yes they do! Now, your tax-exempt contribution can provide a scholarship for a little girl or boy who, without your help, might never learn to fiddle with sheep fur or tamper with a pony bridle. I know that a lot of you might be asking, "Where is Fireman Duane's Cowboy School for Orphans? Is this another goddamn scheme?" Well, first of all, watch your language. Swearing is not allowed in or near FIREMAN DUANE'S SCHOOL. Secondly, it's not built yet. That's right! It's not even lumber yet! It's just a bunch of arid wasteland, home to rattlesnakes and Kelp Robins. But that doesn't mean it won't be built soon, with your help. Let me tell you about my dream: In 19511 was nothing but a teenage drifter. My future looked bleak. My little sister Lydia and I were about as ragtag a pair of dirty- faced little urchins as you can imagine. One day we were sitting alongside the road and a man and a woman in a large auto pulled up and said, and I quote, "Can we help you in some way, large or small?" Well, by now,.Lydia was in a coma from hunger and I was nearly nauseous from eating her lunch to keep my strength up, and I said, "Take us to a place where we can bust broncs and burn various initials on cows and stuff like that. In so doing, you will save Lydia and me from a life too vile to mention." So, to make a long story short, they took us in and in no time we were cutting the heads off chickens and touching animals however we wanted and things of a cowboy nature. It was there, in my surrogate mother's dining nook, that I swore that if I ever got successful, the first thing I was going to do was start a cowboy school for orphans. Today, thanks to my thriving mold culture business and other enterprises, I'm about as rich as they come, and I haven't forgotten that vow I made so many years ago. I'm going to build that cowboy school. But I can't do it by myself. With your help we can make my dream a goldarn reality. AND! EACH WEEK A DESERVING YOUNGSTER, WHO YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO ACTUALLY SEE OR TOUCH. WILL SEND YOU A PERSONAL LETTER. POURING HIS OR HER LITTLE HEART OUT TO YOU IN GRATITUDE ABE YOU WITH ME? SEND YOUB CONTBIBUTIONS, NO MATTEB HOW SMALL AND UNSATISFACTOBY, TO: COWBOY SCHOOL FOR ORPHANS Kentucky My desert dream. Your salvation from Hell. s out to CASH, in honor of the famous country singing star.) 26 Clinton St. Quarterly quietly next to her would tell her a story that would change her life. And yet, by the time the aircraft reached its destination, she had become immersed in a tale so tedious, told by a storyteller so relentless, that continued on page 23 women who wish to overcome their inhibitions and to begin experiencing the fullness of their sexuality? Dr. Malone suggests a form of therapy that she calls “learning to love yourself,” a ritual that opens the mind and body’s channels to sexual pleasure and results in a more easily obtained orgasm. “First of all,” says Dr. Malone, “find a time when you can be alone, away from the distractions of mate and family. Put on some soothing music, your favorite perfume. Create an environment that is uniquely yours. A few warm-toned Indian bedspreads draped sensuously across the bedroom furniture and over the kids’ Hot Wheels might help, as well as 20 or 30 macramed plant holders. Remember, however, that hanging such things from the ceiling is not as easy as it looks and may result in cracking plaster and eventual water damage to your home.” Once you have created the right environment, Dr. Malone recommends that you carefully remove your clothing, one piece at a time, while lying in front of a large mirror. As you do this, caress your body and speak admiringly of its beauty. Move your hands across your body until you start to relax and feel the first glimmerings of sensual pleasure. At this point, abruptly stop what you are doing, bolt upright, look at yourself in the mirror, and ask, “Was it good for you?” If no answer is forthcoming, quickly put on your clothes, stomp out of the room, go down to the corner tavern, and drink beer until 2:30. ■ WE RE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRAW! BATHWATER That s right. You may want to be an artist ... to exhibit in exclusive galleries. But the fact is. you'll probably wind up working at a menial job to support yourself while Leroy Neiman has his nineteenth retrospective of soccer paintings at the Museum of Modern Art. So why spend all that time and money frustrating yourself in art school when you can skip all that and go directly into your career? At the Future is Now Institute of Domestic Arts and Hotel Management you'll learn ironing, vacuuming, how to turn back the covers, and get the cellophane on the little plastic glasses. We ll guarantee that within one week you'll know how to wheel those little carts around and leave them in the halls. ONE MAN SHOWS! One man shows you how to find wall sockets, while another demonstrates the proper use of the dumbwaiter. Our qualified staff will teach you everything you need to know to become a Domestic Arts Professional. BIG COMMISSIONS! And don t worry! Big government commissions review our curriculum every six years to make sure your training remains safe and up to date. So don’t delay your career. Write now for our free brochure.
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