EEW DD^Dl EAAE CW URABLE EWJF^ & F M M I 3A1 Y Most people suffer from some form of sexual dys- functio,n sometime during their lives. So say Dr. Walter Millman, author of the new book, Curing Sexual Dysfunction With Basic Carpentry Skills, and Dr. Mavis Malone, whose book, Training Yourself Like a Seal, will be published this fall. Both spoke at a recent medical conference at Johns Hopkins University. Dr. Elmo Van Chehalis introduced the two speakers, explaining that Dr. Millman would address himself first to the concerns of men and that then later, if the males in the audience were not too sleepy and cranky, Dr. Malone would speak to the concerns of women. Male Dysfunction According to Dr. Millman, premature ejaculation and loss of erection are the two most common complaints among men who seek therapy. The former, Millman says, can usually be taken HALLOWEEN MASKS FOR THE POLITE Page 12 WHAT IS THIS That’s ejfe^iy what James Watkins of Ozark Beach, Montana/ 'Wpudered one morning last dimmer when he opened underwear drawer and found this large triangular object inside. Watkins took out an ad in the local paper describing his find and requesting information about its owner and function. When no one responded, Watkins decided to put the object on top of his bedroom bureau and wait for its owner to return. Eventually, says Watkins, a tiny spacecraft arrived and four little people got out. For over an hour they walked around the object, talking and kicking it with their tiny little feet. After a while, one of them left and came back with a tiny pickup truck and some beer and a little radio playing loud rock and roll music. They drank the beer and stood around some more and then one of them got in the truck and the others tied a little rope to the object. The truck began pulling slowly away from the object until the rope was taut. At this point the truck’s rear wheels began to spin and soon became mired in Mrs. Watkins’ crocheted doily. They climbed on the rear PROMINENT PSYCHIATRISTS care of simply by making excuses or starting a distracting argument with one’s partner after intercourse. Loss of erection, says Dr. Millman, is a bit more difficult, but well within the grasp of anyone who is sincere, hardworking and willing to take the time. “Of course, the first step is acknowledgement of the problem,” explains Millman. “You can’t solve a problem if you refuse to admit that you have one. First, I recommend talking to strangers in supermarkets, then moving on to billboards. Radio time, especially on certain country and western stations, may be less costly than you think. But whatever you do, remember to keep it simple. As for billboards, remember that people will Name Address CUI our AND MAIL TODAY! bumper of the pickup trucK to provide traction, but to no avail. After a while they unTO: Elvis Keepsake Box 311, Flomas, New Jersey WHERE ARE THEY NOW? ROSEMARY WOOD SEND ME tied the rope and tossed it in the back of the pickup truck and, with the use of a board placed under one tire, managed to get the truck out of the hole. Then they all got in and drove off, one of them throwing a small beer bottle out of the truck and breaking Mrs. Watkins’ favorite perfume bottle. Mr. Watkins waited for have to absorb your message from a moving vehicle, so simple block letters on a plain background will probably be best. “Once you’ve gone public with vour problem, what’s HE'S NOT HEAVY HE’S MY HUSBAND In a landmark decision, the Washington State Supreme Court recently ruled that 27-year-old Lenore Bevis had the legal right to divorce her husband and marry her bowling ball. In court hearings, Mrs. Bevis explained that she had developed an attachment to the them to return to the spacecraft but they never did. Today, the mysterious object can be found in Mr. Watkins’ garage amidst some paint cans, behind the lawnmower. The spacecraft sat on Mr. Watkins’ mantle for some time until he gave it to his grandchildren, who promptly broke it and lost the pieces. ■ next? To do something about it, of course! Don’t just talk about it! “The first step is to go down to your local lumber yard with a borrowed truck and pick up the following items: One 4- by 6-inch by 8-foot post, two heavy-duty farm hinges with appropriate screws, a 12-foot length of chain, six feet of heavy rope, two heavy-duty galvanized buckets, one large sack of cement, and one large roll of silver duct tape. The buckets and the cement are to be used as weights. If you prefer to improvise, many people have ' found old cash registers to do ball during regular league play on Tuesday nights. Mrs. Bevis said that she had resisted her feelings toward the sphere for nearly two years but that in the end the ball prevailed, proving to be a more interesting companion than her husband, Brian. ■ Former President Nixon’s secretary, Rosemary Wood, who, 10 years ago re-enacted for photographers the “long stretch” that enabled her to accidentally erase 18 minutes the trick pretty well. Quality Pie in Northwest Portland has a large heavy one, as do most of the local Denny’s restaurants. In many cases they will be happy to loan them to you if you explain what you are doing and can organize your time well enough that the machines can be returned within a few hours. “Where to set up. The local firehouse may be your best bet. On weekends, especially during good weather, (Continued next page) No bigger a tear Made From The King’s Shredded Pharmaceutical Prescriptions GLOWS IN DARK $1 4.95 WEAR Guaranteed LIKE KEEPSAKE! GIVE AS GIFTS! of Watergate tape recordings, is shown here picking up some of her grandchildren’s toys in the yard of her California home. ■ 24^ CIJnton St, Quarterly .
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